morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize