I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
