On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
