so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
