I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
