I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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