Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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