apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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