I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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