I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
