I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
