Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
