I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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