Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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