WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
