I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
