I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
COCAINE IS GR8
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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