I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Randomize
