the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
