You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
