Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize