i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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