yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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