Need sex. Gaining weight.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
