Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
