I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
