i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize