this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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