my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
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