About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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