just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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