We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i think i have herpe
just one?
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize