So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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