I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
