ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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