worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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