She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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