i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
