Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I think i got beer on your cat.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
