just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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