somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
