Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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