Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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