I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
