its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
