wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
this beer tastes like vomit already
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Randomize
