If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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