my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
