Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
