You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
