Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
