he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You need a sexual gate keeper
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
