the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
