Your dad touched me again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
