I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
