you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize