yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
